I am so socially deprived, it’s scary. I need more friends in my life, but people are stupid. And I don’t tolerate stupidity well. What do I do?! I fucking hate being this lonely. But I hate even more to put myself out there to be hurt all over again. It isn’t enough to get fucked over in almost all of my friendships, but then I have to pay the price for it too? In insecurities, vulnerabilities, unwillingness to open up again, all leading to a loneliness that reduces me to tears, an emptiness inside me that seem impossible to fill, and a rage, anger for the people who did this to me and to myself for letting it happen. Some days I’m completely fine; I let it go. Others, it washes over me, drowns me. Leaving me gasping for air, frantically looking for a hand to pull me out, and almost everytime there is no one there. On the occasion that there is someone there, lending out their hand to save me, after that person pulls me out, after I finally just catch my breath, that same person always, always, pushes me right back in. I want to believe that someone will come along, pull me out and lead me away from this ocean of depression. But I’m drowning. I can only fight and hope for so long. I’m getting weak, tired of struggling to keep my head above water. Too weak to pull myself out. One of these days I might just give up. Not even because I don’t want to fight anymore, but because I can’t.